Your thoughts are all valid. And trying to be positive or move on when you're not really at that point is just more hurtful than good. The pain is real and there isn't some magical thing that will change that right now. You just have to go through it. And going through it takes time. There will be better days and then shit days. And your family and friends (and readers) are going to love you through all of it. Keep expressing it. For me, writing poetry helped me. For some it may be Journaling. It was a time set aside usually at night that I could dive into those feelings. That way I could got to work through the day and although the pain was there..I didn't dive into it, explore it until it was time to write. Some people latch right on to another relationship and that's part of their healing journey. I am just unable to do that so it's hard for me to start something new after being so committed so it doesn't work for all people. Keeping busy is good but I will say...you need to "sit with your feelings" using vices or being too busy never let's you go through it which then makes things worse in the long run. You have to have these ugly days in order for the best days to come. And as you said, we can't play a tennis match alone. The memories are going to be there but you have to try to let go. Let him go. And one day you'll genuinely wanna see him happy. But for now...it's perfectly okay to be sad..hurt...angry and for you to not wish happiness for him. Your feelings are valid. Keep trucking through. 6 months is not a long time for healing through something like this. You have to give yourself grace and know that you are doing the best you can..even if it means some days you lock yourself in the bathroom to cry. We look at that as setbacks but it's not..it's going through it..I still have flashbacks of memories and thoughts but it's different now. It's manageable. It's been years and I finally moved on. Does it go away completely? I don't think it ever does but I do believe that there is hope. I am sorry. I know this pain and I never wish it on anyone. You will make it through and things will be good again in time.
oh Andrea...thank you so much...it's actually really comforting to hear that my feelings are not alone in this. Sometimes I feel so awful for thinking about the stuff I think about...but you're right, I have to sit with it because ignoring it is never going to help me...thank you so much for taking the time to read my piece and reply with such poigant advice!
Also I'm not sure if this is how you feel or not but I thought I'd also explain that when I went through this stuff I felt like the world..and even my friends just wanted me to get over it. I felt like everyone thought it was just easy to let him go. And even if I thought about his shit qualities and what he did...I still felt love..enough where i couldnt let go of him. (Im not talking stalking im talking in my mind and heart) and that's just because I hadn't gone through enough healing yet. I realized playing it cool was just not helping me. Saying things like "oh I hope he's happy with his new girl..I just want him to be happy" that's like what PR would tell you to say if you were a celebrity and had to release a statement. I felt like that's what people wanted from me and I couldn't give it. It wasn't real. I knew in time I'd be able to but I was not there yet. So I had to be honest about where I was in the process..and honor that for whatever time it takes.
And there'd be times I thought I was good and over things and then I'd have some dream or see something on social media and I'd spiral. I think during that time my self esteem was also low so for me things started getting better when I got a promotion at my job and then I started to reevaluate who I was and what my worth was. But that doesn't mean that i didnt cry anymore or have thoughts of memories and missing. So at times I would wonder why I felt good but that this would pop up and debilitate me at times. And like the comment below advises, hobbies are good which you have cooking..boxing..fun stuff with the kids. Sometimes those hobbies can bring back memories so it can be hard at times. I did also seek out therapy. I think therapy is wonderful if you can find a therapist you feel comfortable with and like. That's half the battle sometimes but it is good to talk to others about stuff...(kinda like writing in this blog) but no..youre thoughts are not weird and I like to think there are some people that could already be at the move on stage or let him go stage but personally I think its perfectly fine for it to take time and I think its a true reflection of how much you care. I'm rooting for you. Be honest about your process and keep doing the work (because unfortunately it is a lot of work) and things will be better. You are still you. You have a lot to offer to this world (hell I'm reaching out from the usa). And I am sorry once again that you're going through this.
Do what you think it’s the best for you. Your children needs a healthy and happy mom to guide them through life. I don’t think it’s selfish if you decided to move to a new place near by and change a scenery to start over. Instead, that’s probably good for your children too ? Subconsciously a new environment will initiate an new era to build for the three of you.
Though moving might still not be a clean cut from the past (especially if you still need to co-parent) but it’ll give you something new to plan, to stay busy, to re-build ( when you are ready).
You’ve been such a positive source and a role model for many of your audiences and followers. Now it’s the time we’d like to see you put yourself first , love and take good care of yourself.
Life throws you an unexpected curve ball but in the long term, it might be the best thing ever that happened to you. You are a great person, and you deserve someone who can handle things much better than this.
Take your time, whenever you are ready, we got your back girl !
Thank you! I wish I could move but as my eldest is entering secondary school, it doesn't feel right to move her again...but I definitely agree I need to initiate a new era and build for the three of us...what that looks like I'm not sure but it's definitely something I think I need to do.
My heart just broke some more for you. If only all the hugs in the world could make you feel better!
Keep writing and talking about your feelings, this is therapy for you, and helps you cope with the grief and anger you feel.
I don’t know if it’s possible for you to move to a new house and leave the memories of your current home behind, it would be so helpful if this is a possibility. Also, throw out your bedroom stuff and paint everything in your fave colour and revamp it into your own space, it’s all about you now. Freecycle and Fb will hv lots of good stuff for next to nothing.
That moment between you and S must have felt so awful, he is a sweetheart trying his best to mend his mama. Know that no matter what happens, your kids both love and need you, and you are surround by ppl who love and care about you xx
Aww Lucy...I don't want to break your heart! Unfortunately, I don't think it's possible for me to move to a new house...plu the kids are so happy here, it doesn't feel fair...but I do want to build a new space so just have to figure out what that actually means...
I'm sorry you're struggling and please know we all care about you! I agree with Andrea but think it could be helpful to spend some time on any hobbies you might have or might want to pick up. Maybe playing the ukulele (on my list), learning to crochet or knit (somewhat on the list), singing, learning self-defense (I know you take boxing, but maybe another style?), reading, baking or cooking more, painting/drawing, etc. And definitely spending time with friends! It's nice to have people support and love you. And yeah, therapy could be good, but it's not for everyone. Sending lots of love! 💞
Dear Tiffany, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't think I can give you any good advice for dealing with these feelings right now. But remember that you are not alone, there are others with whom you can share your pain and experiences. With love, Sabirna.🧡
Dear Tiff, ….feeling heartache too as I read this one. Unfortunately I have no tips but don’t try to think like “oh it has been how many months and I should have already moved on or sth.” What you need is exactly time! You need time to heal. For gods sake it’s been 16 years and it hit you from nowhere, of course you are in pain. Take it easy. You are such a strong, talented and charismatic woman that you will get it through. Best wishes from Berlin, Amelia
I found that gardening helped so much when I divorced. Having to concentrate on the task in hand, feeling close to nature, the joy of seeing seeds become seedlings become plants become produce to eat.
To then cook & enjoy the produce completed the circle. Amongst other things I can now cook a risotto with my eyes closed, enjoy home grown asparagus, bathe in tomato in late summer.
A passion can start to heal. Stick with the journey Tiff
Your thoughts are all valid. And trying to be positive or move on when you're not really at that point is just more hurtful than good. The pain is real and there isn't some magical thing that will change that right now. You just have to go through it. And going through it takes time. There will be better days and then shit days. And your family and friends (and readers) are going to love you through all of it. Keep expressing it. For me, writing poetry helped me. For some it may be Journaling. It was a time set aside usually at night that I could dive into those feelings. That way I could got to work through the day and although the pain was there..I didn't dive into it, explore it until it was time to write. Some people latch right on to another relationship and that's part of their healing journey. I am just unable to do that so it's hard for me to start something new after being so committed so it doesn't work for all people. Keeping busy is good but I will say...you need to "sit with your feelings" using vices or being too busy never let's you go through it which then makes things worse in the long run. You have to have these ugly days in order for the best days to come. And as you said, we can't play a tennis match alone. The memories are going to be there but you have to try to let go. Let him go. And one day you'll genuinely wanna see him happy. But for now...it's perfectly okay to be sad..hurt...angry and for you to not wish happiness for him. Your feelings are valid. Keep trucking through. 6 months is not a long time for healing through something like this. You have to give yourself grace and know that you are doing the best you can..even if it means some days you lock yourself in the bathroom to cry. We look at that as setbacks but it's not..it's going through it..I still have flashbacks of memories and thoughts but it's different now. It's manageable. It's been years and I finally moved on. Does it go away completely? I don't think it ever does but I do believe that there is hope. I am sorry. I know this pain and I never wish it on anyone. You will make it through and things will be good again in time.
oh Andrea...thank you so much...it's actually really comforting to hear that my feelings are not alone in this. Sometimes I feel so awful for thinking about the stuff I think about...but you're right, I have to sit with it because ignoring it is never going to help me...thank you so much for taking the time to read my piece and reply with such poigant advice!
Also I'm not sure if this is how you feel or not but I thought I'd also explain that when I went through this stuff I felt like the world..and even my friends just wanted me to get over it. I felt like everyone thought it was just easy to let him go. And even if I thought about his shit qualities and what he did...I still felt love..enough where i couldnt let go of him. (Im not talking stalking im talking in my mind and heart) and that's just because I hadn't gone through enough healing yet. I realized playing it cool was just not helping me. Saying things like "oh I hope he's happy with his new girl..I just want him to be happy" that's like what PR would tell you to say if you were a celebrity and had to release a statement. I felt like that's what people wanted from me and I couldn't give it. It wasn't real. I knew in time I'd be able to but I was not there yet. So I had to be honest about where I was in the process..and honor that for whatever time it takes.
And there'd be times I thought I was good and over things and then I'd have some dream or see something on social media and I'd spiral. I think during that time my self esteem was also low so for me things started getting better when I got a promotion at my job and then I started to reevaluate who I was and what my worth was. But that doesn't mean that i didnt cry anymore or have thoughts of memories and missing. So at times I would wonder why I felt good but that this would pop up and debilitate me at times. And like the comment below advises, hobbies are good which you have cooking..boxing..fun stuff with the kids. Sometimes those hobbies can bring back memories so it can be hard at times. I did also seek out therapy. I think therapy is wonderful if you can find a therapist you feel comfortable with and like. That's half the battle sometimes but it is good to talk to others about stuff...(kinda like writing in this blog) but no..youre thoughts are not weird and I like to think there are some people that could already be at the move on stage or let him go stage but personally I think its perfectly fine for it to take time and I think its a true reflection of how much you care. I'm rooting for you. Be honest about your process and keep doing the work (because unfortunately it is a lot of work) and things will be better. You are still you. You have a lot to offer to this world (hell I'm reaching out from the usa). And I am sorry once again that you're going through this.
Do what you think it’s the best for you. Your children needs a healthy and happy mom to guide them through life. I don’t think it’s selfish if you decided to move to a new place near by and change a scenery to start over. Instead, that’s probably good for your children too ? Subconsciously a new environment will initiate an new era to build for the three of you.
Though moving might still not be a clean cut from the past (especially if you still need to co-parent) but it’ll give you something new to plan, to stay busy, to re-build ( when you are ready).
You’ve been such a positive source and a role model for many of your audiences and followers. Now it’s the time we’d like to see you put yourself first , love and take good care of yourself.
Life throws you an unexpected curve ball but in the long term, it might be the best thing ever that happened to you. You are a great person, and you deserve someone who can handle things much better than this.
Take your time, whenever you are ready, we got your back girl !
Thank you! I wish I could move but as my eldest is entering secondary school, it doesn't feel right to move her again...but I definitely agree I need to initiate a new era and build for the three of us...what that looks like I'm not sure but it's definitely something I think I need to do.
My heart just broke some more for you. If only all the hugs in the world could make you feel better!
Keep writing and talking about your feelings, this is therapy for you, and helps you cope with the grief and anger you feel.
I don’t know if it’s possible for you to move to a new house and leave the memories of your current home behind, it would be so helpful if this is a possibility. Also, throw out your bedroom stuff and paint everything in your fave colour and revamp it into your own space, it’s all about you now. Freecycle and Fb will hv lots of good stuff for next to nothing.
That moment between you and S must have felt so awful, he is a sweetheart trying his best to mend his mama. Know that no matter what happens, your kids both love and need you, and you are surround by ppl who love and care about you xx
Aww Lucy...I don't want to break your heart! Unfortunately, I don't think it's possible for me to move to a new house...plu the kids are so happy here, it doesn't feel fair...but I do want to build a new space so just have to figure out what that actually means...
I'm sorry you're struggling and please know we all care about you! I agree with Andrea but think it could be helpful to spend some time on any hobbies you might have or might want to pick up. Maybe playing the ukulele (on my list), learning to crochet or knit (somewhat on the list), singing, learning self-defense (I know you take boxing, but maybe another style?), reading, baking or cooking more, painting/drawing, etc. And definitely spending time with friends! It's nice to have people support and love you. And yeah, therapy could be good, but it's not for everyone. Sending lots of love! 💞
ah yes! That's why I signed up to a diva dance class! And it's been amazing to just learn some new stuff and learn how to be confident!
Not sure how the health care system working in UK. But do you try to get appointment at psychotherapy?
I did look into this but I wasn't able to but I have private insurance so I am looking into getting a psychotherapist now...
Dear Tiffany, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't think I can give you any good advice for dealing with these feelings right now. But remember that you are not alone, there are others with whom you can share your pain and experiences. With love, Sabirna.🧡
Dear Tiff, ….feeling heartache too as I read this one. Unfortunately I have no tips but don’t try to think like “oh it has been how many months and I should have already moved on or sth.” What you need is exactly time! You need time to heal. For gods sake it’s been 16 years and it hit you from nowhere, of course you are in pain. Take it easy. You are such a strong, talented and charismatic woman that you will get it through. Best wishes from Berlin, Amelia
I found that gardening helped so much when I divorced. Having to concentrate on the task in hand, feeling close to nature, the joy of seeing seeds become seedlings become plants become produce to eat.
To then cook & enjoy the produce completed the circle. Amongst other things I can now cook a risotto with my eyes closed, enjoy home grown asparagus, bathe in tomato in late summer.
A passion can start to heal. Stick with the journey Tiff