Cooking out of spite - Taiwanese Stirfry Rice Cakes
It turned out I'm not good at this harmonious coparenting thing...
Hey hey peeps! It’s good seeing you here!
I know last Thursday of the month posts are normally reserved for the paid folks but I decided to make this one available to all. I’m a firm believer in test driving before you commit and you should see everything I have to offer before you agree to become my sugar parents! Also I would LOVE IT if you guys try the recipe, tag me on Instagram and let me know you cooked it while cursing his (or someone else’s) name and ate it with plenty of satisfaction, knowing that The Ex couldn’t have any…Let’s go!
I’m deluded.
I thought I could play the part of a happy person who has a harmonious relationship with their ex, where we have meals together, laugh together, discuss new relationships with each other, maybe even holiday together with the kids. I thought I could be like Gwyneth Paltrow, who posts thoughtful birthday wishes to Chris Martin and that we too would have a gorgeous future of blended families.
I was wrong. I am not Gwyneth Paltrow. I do not own a jade egg to stick up where the sun doesn’t shine, I do not practice conscious uncoupling, I don't even want to wish The Ex a happy Easter let alone a happy birthday and I do not want to know that he is happier without me. Because I am still angry AF.
There are days when I genuinely believe, yes, I can do this. Just because we can’t be romantically linked, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends! I’m very good at being friends with exes, it’s almost a talent. My friend J has always said, ‘you’re one of those people that just gets along with exes, aren’t you?’ Yes, yes I am. Because I truly believe that every person who comes into my life has a purpose and I always try to keep it friendly with almost everyone that I’ve crossed paths with, exes and all.
But this time…I’m guessing because it’s still raw, it’s just under 5 months separated, I am not there. More recently, I feel like I am so far from there, ‘there’ is a tiny dot in the distance. I receive a wealth of messages telling me that I am so strong, brave, looking so well and that I am inspiring. But the truth is, I feel like a fraud.
I am not strong.
I don’t even want to be strong. I lose my breath whenever I think about how he’s started a new life without me. I scratch my arms silly whenever I get a bill or look at my bank account or if he wants to have the finance talk. And just when the scar on my heart is starting to scab a little, when my youngest cries the three words, ‘I want daddy’, the scab tears open and bleeds just a little bit more…Even writing this is making me weep a little.
Last week, I found myself sitting in an office that I never thought I’d set foot in. I was in a Jobcentre Plus applying for Universal Credit. I'd never even heard of it till last month and it turned out to be equivalent to Welfare. I sat there waiting to be called and I cried quietly in my seat. I just couldn’t understand how, at the age of 43, when I thought I’d done everything right; gone to college, studied hard, met a good man, had kids, built a family, spent years of my life taking care of the family, could now be in the position of asking for government assistance. I was so embarrassed. I still am. It felt like everything I’ve done in my life meant nothing. I am somehow worse off than I was in college, with two kids in tow.
The man who assisted me was very kind. He handed me tissues as I cried, he told me it was ok and that life was unpredictable. He explained everything to me as clearly as possible and really emphasized that it was ok to ask for help, that’s what it was there for. I know he’s right but I still can’t shake this negative feeling, so I really hope this is not something I would need to be on for long. And I know that really it’s nothing to be ashamed of, like the man said - life is unpredictable.
There are nights when I hatch up some really imaginative revenge plans. Such as hacking into his car’s navigation system, recording my own voice so that each time he flips the indicator, he gets my nagging tone and asks him to put the dirty laundry in the basket. Or, use his bank card to order a bunch of blow up dolls to litter around his car. Finally, the ultimate retaliation…log into his Playstation account and delete all his progress on all the games he’s ever played…yes, I am incredibly immature…
But I can’t do any of those things, because I’m a grown ass adult. So I decided to do some payback cooking instead. The one thing I know is what he likes to eat. Before he left, I asked him, would he miss me? He said he’d miss the food…dick move, I know…so as petty as it is, I decided to cook something that I know he loves to eat but now can’t have. I mean it’s not like he knows I’m cooking it…but I get a little bit of satisfaction knowing that he’s probably eating shit food now that Tiff’s kitchen has closed its door on him.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to Gwyneth Paltrow status. 6 more months, a year? Maybe what I do need is a jade egg and some vaginal exercises to help me through the grieving process. Because if I’m focused on holding a Goddamn egg inside the lady garden, maybe I won’t have time to think about setting fire ants into his new place…
Taiwanese style stir fry rice cake, serves 3
Ingredients
Vegetable oil x 2 tbs
Rice cakes x 500g (1 pack)
Hot pot beef x 250g, semi defrosted, broken in halves
Shimeji Mushrooms x 125g
Carrot x 1, thinly sliced
Chopped spring greens x 200g (1 pack)
Onion x ½, roughly chopped
Hondashi x 1 tsp
Soy sauce x 1 tsp
Salt x 1/2 tsp
White pepper x ¼ tsp
Water or stock x 1 cup + 1 cup (if needed)
Bullhead Shacha sauce x 2 tbs
Method
Heat up oil in a wok on high heat. Once smoking, quickly fry the beef until it’s 70% cooked. Remove from the wok and drain on a paper towel. Set aside.
On medium heat, saute all the vegetables in the work until slightly softened, about 2-3 minutes.
Add in the rice cakes and quickly combine.
Add in. all the seasoning (except the Shacha sauce) + 1 cup of water/stock. Stir to combine and put the lid on, turn the heat to low-medium, for 30 seconds.
Remove the lid and stir again, making sure the rice cakes are not sticking to the wok. If you need to add a bit more water/stock, do it ½ cup at a time, stir and combine.
Return the lid to the wok for another 30 seconds.
Continue steam/stir the rice cake until you can stick a chopstick through it easily.
Add the Sha Cha sauce and combine one last time. If you would like it a bit more saucy, add another ½ of water/stock.
What is the most petty/most spiteful thing you’ve ever done after a break up?
Till next time,
Tiff
Tiff, I have been there, applying for UC (although under different circumstances not involving a man, but it doesn’t matter) and feeling unreasonably ashamed of it. I can tell you now what my good friend said to me back then, “there is no shame. You paid for it with your taxes when you were working, it’s there to help good people get back on their feet and guess what YOU ARE GOOD PEOPLE”. So...
in other news, the recipe looks amazing, if only I could find rice cake or Shacha in this remote corner of Italy 😭😭😭
For the love of god do not put any eggs up your vjay. Esp not steamed eggs (or am I mixing up another goop vjay device?) Burning your lady bits or losing a chunk of rock inside you is not a Good Thing. However--being angry is absolutely a Good Thing. It’s part of the healing journey. You’ve moved beyond feeling helpless into a place where you’re using fire to both protect yourself and burn down the shitty emotions. 🔥🔥🔥